130 Maple Avenue
Red Bank, NJ 07701
When Trouble Is Ahead, We're Right Behind You.
Terms and Conditions
The following terms and conditions shall apply to all transactions entered into between our respective companies. The very fact that you have ever agreed to fly, or rented a car a hotel room, or approved a line of credit in the form of a credit card to the firm or any agent servant or employee thereof, shall indicate that you have read, understood and accepted these terms and conditions and probably wish you had thought of them yourself.
There shall be a base $500 charge for reading your “Terms and Conditions” In the event your “Terms and Conditions” exceeds three words, there shall be a $1.00 surcharge for each word thereafter.
In the event there is a conflict between your “Terms and Conditions” and our “Terms and Conditions”, our “Terms and Conditions” shall apply.
In the event your “Terms and Conditions” were written before our “Terms and Conditions”, our “Terms and Conditions” shall supersede yours.
In the event that your “Terms and Conditions” were written after our “Terms and Conditions”, ours shall be considered “grandfathered” and not impacted by your “Terms and Conditions.”
Credit card “Terms and Conditions”:
There shall be an “early charge” of $35.00 for any payment of more than the minimum monthly payment as indicated on your invoice.
An interest rate of 28% shall apply to all principal amounts received in addition to the minimum monthly payment.
There shall be an Application fee of $250.00 for applying for your card.
There shall be an autograph fee of $50.00 for signing the back of your card.
There shall be a minimum fee of $50 in the event I am required to contact you by phone and $5 per minute charged for each minute I am on waiting for a representative.
My Hispanic friends are entitled to $50 fee whenever they “oprima número dos” and I shall be entitled to a negotiation fee of $15 every time one of my Hispanic friends oprimas same.
There shall be an acceleration fee of $35 for postmarking any payment seven days in advance to insure timely delivery.
If you are providing me your own “self addressed envelope” said payment shall be deemed received by you the second it is stuffed in your envelope.
Airline “Terms and Conditions”:
Luggage Fees: There shall be a “Delivery Charge” of $50 dollars for the first bag, $75 for every bag thereafter, and $100 for any golf bag payable immediately at the check in desk.
Luggage Retrieval fee. There shall be a $50 nonrefundable retrieval fee for each checked item of luggage retrieved at the baggage carousel
There shall be a $10 “power down” fee for every “approved portable electronic devise” I am required to shut off when the cabin door closes.
We shall be entitled to a $250 Educational Fee for being the first one to point out what kind of electronic device I could possibly bring on a plane which is not “portable” to begin with.
When we order a soft drink, we want the whole can.
We promise to try to refrain from coloring in shark fins in the water on the safety and Information booklet.
$5 will be charged for returning all service items.
There shall be a nonrefundable $750 processing fee every time you utilize my credit card to charge me a change fee.
In the highly likely event of turbulence at the check in desk, there shall be a $250 nonrefundable “You’re Pissing Me Off” fee and a $75 “Calm Down Sir” Charge.
Hotel “Terms and Conditions”:
There will be a $50 delivery charge for my vehicle to offset any overnight parking charge
The second the valet parker takes possession on our rental, he becomes responsible its pro rata cost.
In the event of a late cancellation, there will be a “freeing up” charge equal to the difference between what I was to pay and what the poor fool will pay when he checks in at the last minute rate.
There shall be a $7 uncorking fee for every $7 bottle of Evian I mistakenly open in the middle of the night.
There shall be a $10 “Not now!” fee for every time hear a knock followed by “Housekeeping” before 10 a.m.
If there ain’t a cartoon character in the lobby, we are not paying a “resort fee”
Rental Car “Terms and Conditions”:
If we select the fuel option and return the car with more than vapors in the tank, I am entitled the $9 per gallon you charge if we decline the option.
We’ll take a retroactive “wait and see” approach to the question of additional insurance coverage.
If we didn’t make any concessions, we are not paying a concession fee.
If you have a “vehicle recovery fee” we have a “rental return fee” equally of said rate plus 20%.
130 Maple Avenue
Red Bank, NJ 07701